BIG AND STRONG

[plushling]

  
 

My brain has been running RAMPANT lately with goods and bads and everything inbetween! Somewhere in the midst of it I've calmed down and become a much different person. A familiar person, even. I've been wanting to talk about it all day but my thoughts about it are moving too fast to write in a journal. I thought I'd write here too because I wanna share with everyone! 

First things first I wanna say that I'm absolutely SICK of feeling silly, humilated, or even like I'm making excuses when I refer to my extreme sickness and hospital visit two years ago. That is something big, bad, and dangerous that happened to me and it is a valid terrifying life event that deserves to be talked about with dignity! It should probably go without saying that being as sick as I was, being in the hospital, and getting diagnosed with a life-long disease are not one, or two, but three major stressors that all happened to me within the span of a month. I've gone so long denying that this has affected me and my life as deeply as it has, but no more. It's so important to address and understand, because for the first time in nearly two years I'm feeling like myself again.

In the fall of 2013, I took a semester off from school to recover from my sickness and subsequent hospital visit. School started too soon after I was discharged and I didn't have time to like, un-atrophy my legs or get back into the habit of eating and drinking before the semester began. I spent the semester doing what I convinced my dad was intense self-improvement, but really all I could do was sleep at weird hours and eat whatever tiny bits of food I could possibly stomach and find hollow, hypothetical hobbies to think about without actually doing. I was so tired. I had to recuperate. 

Suddenly, I had another job. Did I mention that one of my biggest triggers to my original sickness that put me in the hospital was working 8-5 two days a week while being a full-time student? This new job was a lot easier, a come-in-whenever-I-want kind of deal with my uncle and cousin while they needed my help in purging and organizing their office. But, wow, I really wasn't ready to work. I had a weird breakdown two months in and didn't show up for over a month. I was so grateful when I'd run out of things to do to help and stopped working there. By the time Sarah came to visit last summer, I was gone. The pressure was off but so was everything else about me!! I have no idea how, but all this time in my life flew right past me to the point where it felt unnatural.

All things considered, I was rushed into being a person too soon after having the ultimate physical and mental breakdown. It messed me up really badly and threw me off of my foundations. I'm just noticing now that this is a much more prevalent problem than I've been thinking it is. It's better late that never, I guess?? The knowledge of this fact in itself is already helping me so much in my process of coming out of this. I can't attribute every single problem I've had these past two years with, "oh, I was really sick and I wasn't ready to manifest in my physical form again" but it definitely clears up some questions and roadblocks I'd run into.  Looking back, there's so much I missed and so many things that make much more sense considering that I just wasn't ready, wasn't completely on my feet, or properly recovered whatsoever. A lot of my family's influence comes into play with this, I think. I've been suffering a lot with this whole "you look better, so you must feel better" kind of mindset. Somewhere along the lines, I think I started thinking that I do look better so I do feel better. It's important for me and everyone around me to remember that this is something I'll never be better from. It may be suppressed, it might be in remission, I may look and sound like I'm okay, but this is a life-long disease I will be dealing with. I had a really bad flare-up last week and that also put things into perspective for me! Like, whoa, shit, I DO have this disease. I don't take six to ten pills a day for no fucking reason. It does affect me on a day-to-day basis whether I'm flaring up or not. And the sickness I dealt with from my first and worst flare-up left me weak and traumatized for more than just a few months! I don't want to feel like I use my disease or a near-two year-old sickness/hospital visit as an excuse for anything, but an explanation. I want to regard the entire thing as a collection of huge, extreme stressors affected me at my very foundations for an incredibly long time. And I deserve to have that validated by not only myself, but my loved ones! 

Now that I'm aware of everything I've talked about, I feel much more settled into my own skin. I've been so off-balance for a long time. Throughout a lot of this time, I was feeling terrible in ways I'd never experienced terribleness before. I might still be off my balance, or occasionally feeling terrible, but it feels different. Lighter. Better! I'm looking forward to getting better and better from this. It's weird. For the first time in a very, very, very long time, I feel driven, I feel energetic, and I feel happy. I feel like myself. It's something I never even knew I was missing, but I'm glad to be back in a comfortable place. :'-)