Me! Me. I'm me

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately! About myself! Which isn't something I do very often. I'd like to make a habit out of it, though, because I think it'll get me to improve much quicker than I do right now.

Above all else, this week I've been busy revisiting childhood trauma that I don't come face-to-face with very often. I didn't even realize it was happening until a few minutes before it stopped. It's a very weird feeling and trauma is a very weird thing. I am better now. With Sarah's help, I found a solution to the problem and it's just one thing of many that I've been able to take care of when it comes to myself. Needless to say, I'm proud!

And that whole thing made me realize something important that I hadn't realized before. Lots of invisible discoveries lately! And this starts back when I was in high school. Around my junior or senior year, out of what felt like nowhere, I began dissociating. Constantly. I'd wake up dissociated and go to sleep dissociated and never felt like myself inbetween. Sarah and I coined this feeling as having a "swimmy head" a long time ago, because she feels it too. She was the first person to understand what I meant when I said I felt like I was light-headed, but only mentally. I still don't think anyone else completely understands the feeling except her. So, basically, the past four or five years of my life have been dictated by dissociation and feeling connected to absolutely nothing. It became so normal to me that I just accepted it as someone I was and something that happened to me. I constantly felt like I was floating, my feet were never on the ground, I never knew who I was and I could never truly understand anyone or anything around me.

But here's the thing: somehow, right under my nose, these past few months, that has completely gone away. I've been trying to recall the last time I could register being dissociated from anything at all, and I actually can't! It's weirdly liberating. It probably would have been a lot more refreshing to feel this as it happened, but I guess I got so used to it happening that I didn't notice it.. well.. not happening. So this is all really good and I feel good! I'm not sure why it worked out like this, especially at this time because I feel really run down by school and all, but.. I dunno! I'm glad. It feels nice to feel like I actually have my feet on the ground. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have a solid and positive self-concept and a genuine grasp on who I am. I actually feel like I have the capacity to like.. improve, as a person, because now I know where and who I am and I can actually register what needs to be fixed. I really like being a person!!! 

I registered for classes at midnight last night, and I only signed up for two. Two classes from 9:30 to noon on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This semester completely and thoroughly has me beat, and I need some time to myself to rebuild. I haven't told my dad, and I don't plan on it. I don't think he'd understand, even though I'm an adult and he doesn't have to understand my decisions in order to respect them. Things with him are always kind of on thin ice because of this, but I'm okay with that. He's stubborn and I've conditioned myself to live a comfortable life with him, even if it means hiding things from him. (╯_╰) It's better for both of us this way.

I'm very tired and I have a lot to do this weekend. I made a ton of bad choices with schoolwork lately and it's piling on top of me like no other. A 3,000-word paper that's due Monday is sitting on my shoulders and I'm a little scared of it, but I think I'll be okay. It's Joey's birthday today and I think my cousins are coming over to celebrate tomorrow? Or something. I'm excited. I've really come to appreciate Joey as my brother and as my friend. He's becoming a good person, slowly, and it's been really crazy watching him grow. Sharing my life with him has been a blast and I want this weekend to be happy and a huge celebration on top of my work! 

Did I mention I'm tired? At this point I feel like it's all I can think about. I can't wait to come home and sleep later. 

Less introspect and more smiles

I need to relax and I'm itching to write a bunch of words so here I am.

This summer is turning out to look better and better every day. Tyler, Sarah and I have been planning to go to Fanime together for months now, and now that it's getting closer and closer, I'm starting to feel really excited about it. We've expanded the Fanime trip into something that's, like, a week long. We're gonna go to Oregon afterwards. Like, Sarah and I will basically be tagging along when Tyler heads back home. I'll be able to see his family for the first time in years, meet Hannah (his girlfriend), and most of all, enjoy a trip with my two favorite people in the world. I've never been farther north than San Francisco before! And I've never actually taken my own personal trip out of state. The only two times I've ever traveled out of state were to Phoenix and Vegas and it was for like.. business trips with my dad when I was around six years old. I think the best part is that this is something I'm gonna do with Sarah. In the moment it's kind of hard to keep my feelings afloat about not seeing her next month, but being able to plan and arrange a trip like this in May is gonna be a lot of fun. When I think about it, I feel less stressed out than ever. I can't explain in words how stressed out I am all the time. It's impossible to imagine my life without stress. I'm working on it, though.

This winter is going to be a lot of fun, too. Tyler's buying his train ticket soon, I think. Right after my finals are done, I'll get to be with Tyler and that's so great. I actually just checked my schedules and my last day of school for this semester is December 10th! What a happy day. Four more weeks after today, and that'll be it. It'll work and it'll be okay, and that's something I can look forward to and be happy with. Tyler and I are gonna spend an entire week playing video games and spending time together like we used to when we were kids. I'm gonna show him Deli Delicious and introduce him to the grand Wii U experience and have the best time in the world. I'm really excited for this. It'll be nice to hang out with someone who is so replenishing to me!

I mentioned this already, but I'm only taking two classes next semester. Six credits instead of twelve. I don't feel fantastically proud of myself about this, but the full-time schedule I was slated for was requiring me to be on campus for over six hours five days a week.. and just the idea of that was giving me so much stress and anxiety. I couldn't do it. And I'm having a terrible time with my current full-time, core-class semester. My time in community college is coming to an end, and it's getting harder and harder to match up the classes I have left to take into a cohesive schedule. My mental health is important and this is just sometihng I have to do! I'll be happier this way. I'll have more time to myself and I'll be able to stay on top of my classes. Luckily, the two classes I'm signed up for are Abnormal Psychology and Child Development, which can both contribute toward my major! So my mind will be occupied lots. As I go further in school I feel more and more comfortable with myself and my future. I'm so excited for Sarah to graduate and be ready to come and live here. Even if I'm in school, I think at that point my functionality as a person will be high enough for me to get a job and be great at everything I do.

Things are looking up!