plushling | MAIN

My brain has been running RAMPANT lately with goods and bads and everything inbetween! Somewhere in the midst of it I've calmed down and become a much different person. A familiar person, even. I've been wanting to talk about it all day but my thoughts about it are moving too fast to write in a journal. I thought I'd write here too because I wanna share with everyone!

First things first I wanna say that I'm absolutely SICK of feeling silly, humilated, or even like I'm making excuses when I refer to my extreme sickness and hospital visit two years ago. That is something big, bad, and dangerous that happened to me and it is a valid terrifying life event that deserves to be talked about with dignity! It should probably go without saying that being as sick as I was, being in the hospital, and getting diagnosed with a life-long disease are not one, or two, but three major stressors that all happened to me within the span of a month. I've gone so long denying that this has affected me and my life as deeply as it has, but no more. It's so important to address and understand, because for the first time in nearly two years I'm feeling like myself again.

In the fall of 2013, I took a semester off from school to recover from my sickness and subsequent hospital visit. School started too soon after I was discharged and I didn't have time to like, un-atrophy my legs or get back into the habit of eating and drinking before the semester began. I spent the semester doing what I convinced my dad was intense self-improvement, but really all I could do was sleep at weird hours and eat whatever tiny bits of food I could possibly stomach and find hollow, hypothetical hobbies to think about without actually doing. I was so tired. I had to recuperate.

Suddenly, I had another job. Did I mention that one of my biggest triggers to my original sickness that put me in the hospital was working 8-5 two days a week while being a full-time student? This new job was a lot easier, a come-in-whenever-I-want kind of deal with my uncle and cousin while they needed my help in purging and organizing their office. But, wow, I really wasn't ready to work. I had a weird breakdown two months in and didn't show up for over a month. I was so grateful when I'd run out of things to do to help and stopped working there. By the time Sarah came to visit last summer, I was gone. The pressure was off but so was everything else about me!! I have no idea how, but all this time in my life flew right past me to the point where it felt unnatural.

All things considered, I was rushed into being a person too soon after having the ultimate physical and mental breakdown. It messed me up really badly and threw me off of my foundations. I'm just noticing now that this is a much more prevalent problem than I've been thinking it is. It's better late that never, I guess?? The knowledge of this fact in itself is already helping me so much in my process of coming out of this. I can't attribute every single problem I've had these past two years with, "oh, I was really sick and I wasn't ready to manifest in my physical form again" but it definitely clears up some questions and roadblocks I'd run into. Looking back, there's so much I missed and so many things that make much more sense considering that I just wasn't ready, wasn't completely on my feet, or properly recovered whatsoever. A lot of my family's influence comes into play with this, I think. I've been suffering a lot with this whole "you look better, so you must feel better" kind of mindset. Somewhere along the lines, I think I started thinking that I do look better so I do feel better. It's important for me and everyone around me to remember that this is something I'll never be better from. It may be suppressed, it might be in remission, I may look and sound like I'm okay, but this is a life-long disease I will be dealing with. I had a really bad flare-up last week and that also put things into perspective for me! Like, whoa, shit, I DO have this disease. I don't take six to ten pills a day for no fucking reason. It does affect me on a day-to-day basis whether I'm flaring up or not. And the sickness I dealt with from my first and worst flare-up left me weak and traumatized for more than just a few months! I don't want to feel like I use my disease or a near-two year-old sickness/hospital visit as an excuse for anything, but an explanation. I want to regard the entire thing as a collection of huge, extreme stressors affected me at my very foundations for an incredibly long time. And I deserve to have that validated by not only myself, but my loved ones!

Now that I'm aware of everything I've talked about, I feel much more settled into my own skin. I've been so off-balance for a long time. Throughout a lot of this time, I was feeling terrible in ways I'd never experienced terribleness before. I might still be off my balance, or occasionally feeling terrible, but it feels different. Lighter. Better! I'm looking forward to getting better and better from this. It's weird. For the first time in a very, very, very long time, I feel driven, I feel energetic, and I feel happy. I feel like myself. It's something I never even knew I was missing, but I'm glad to be back in a comfortable place. :'-)

I am getting really in-touch with myself right now. I am digging deeper and moving forward. One big thing I'm focusing on right now is that there is an unfulfilled child in me who needs attention.

This is something I've known for a really long time, and it isn't new to me, but I want to start making a more direct effort to work on it. I remember once, when I was little, the neighbor kids were all outside playing a literal water gun war. Running around the street and sidewalks, hiding in everyone's yards and behind cars. I went outside to say hi and they gave me a water gun and I jumped right in. It was so fun!!! I always think of it fondly and it's one of my most prominent summer memories. A few years ago, my dad treated me to four fantastic water guns. Sarah and I play with them every summer!!! I want to play with them more. I even want to convince my dad to buy us a pool like we used to have when I was a kid. He said he might go for it next summer, but I want to see if he'll spring for it THIS summer. This summer's so important to me emotionally.. I'd love to have a pool to hang out in whenever I'm relaxing at home!

I wanna buy something like this before summer comes along...

Not only for the toys, but for the backpack!!! I want a cute clear backpack to take places. The beach toys are a bonus because Sarah and I always wanna play in the sand when we go to the beach. :'-) I think it'll be fun to take around.. and clear backpacks are so unbelievably cute...

As of right now I'm playing a TON more than I usually do because of June. I love to run around and play tug-o-war with her and everything!!! She always loves to see me because she knows I'm probably gonna come out and play with her. Now that she's getting a little older and is at the end of her big growth spurt, she's become so much more mellow, too. We love to chill together. I can't wait for Sarah to meet her and play with us! My dad might not spring for a big pool for us to play in, but he said he definitely wants to buy a plastic kiddie pool for June to play in. THAT is gonna be a lot of fun. She loves to play in water! We've never had a dog who enjoys water. She really is such a breath of fresh air for my family. My dad likes to act tough and talk bad about her, but she's been behaving so well with training and has been growing up to be a lovely dog, and he loves her a lot! I think playing with her has helped me realize just how much I need to be playing and fulfilling the childhood I missed out on.

Sarah helps me out a lot with this lost kid stuff. She likes to play too. It means the whole entire world to me. Now that she's moving here, I think things are going to be genuinely different. I've been saying that a ton lately, and I truly believe it. So much has happened these past few weeks, and I feel like I'm a better person because of it. I no longer feel weight on my shoulders nor pressure on my emotional self. I feel open and ready to grow and smile and feel happy. Things are gonna be different in so many ways, and I think the unfulfilled kid in my heart is about to be very happy.

Today, I took naps counting up to a collective eight hours long and I tackled something giving me extreme anxiety head-on.

Progress!

It's really hard for me to get to a point like this, but I think it's gonna help me a lot more in the long run if I admit to myself right now that I'm feeling deeply depressed.

This is a hard time of year for me, and at this point springtime depression is like clockwork. It's kind of sad that the happiest of all seasons, and the one containing my birthday, has ended up like this. A lot of traumatizing things have happened to me at this time of year. I feel so much more self-aware and in control than I ever have, and in this way, it feels all the more stifling to be stuck like this. Being self-aware in a situation that isn't fully dealing with willpower makes me feel weird.

I had a really good day yesterday in particular. I called Sarah when I woke up and we hung out together for more than twelve hours, just relaxing and talking and having a chill day. We used to have days like that so often when she lived at home, but she's gotten so busy since she moved out that we've had a hard time managing to have free time. I hope we can have another day like that soon. It grounded me in ways I wasn't thinking possible and helped me clear all the fog in my head. For the first time in weeks I feel like there's a light at the end of this really weird tunnel.

Although I'm not much for this kind of thing, I think I'm going to benefit from being by myself for a while. It comes to a point where I depend on not being alone so that I can get away from all of this, but I think I'm ready to tackle it head-on. Being by myself allows for me to have no way out of my anxious and invasive thoughts until I'm able to overcome them on my own. I want to be happy. I have so much to look forward to right now, and so much to do. It will do me good to work through this as soon as possible and get myself back into my usual groove. I love how I was feeling before this hit me, and I'm making it a goal to get back there at a comfortable pace.

I'm tired. I need a true, blue recharge. Things will be okay.

To my Sarah:
I know you're having a hard time lately. Things are coming down all around you in the biggest and smallest ways. What you might forget to remember in these difficult moments, though, is that things are actually working upward and coming together for you. It's all going to be okay.

To my desperate over-achiever:
Don't worry. You'll read what you read, learn what you learn, and make what you make, and everything will be fine no matter how you come out of this. There is a light at the end of this closed-minded, destructive, eyes-constantly-on-you tunnel.

To my sweet hell-demon, brimming with stress and anguish:
Things are going to sort out just fine. You may not feel like it right now, or ever, really, but your head is screwed on straight and there is a forseeable solution to the troubles you're having. You won't have to be angry for much longer.

To my Princess of Stress:
You are here. Your feet are on the ground next to mine, and you are here. You always will be.

To my dazed and confused little beansprout:
Isn't it nice that, for once, we have a solid plan?

To my silent romantic:
The words you write me with your smiles are the most profound things I've ever read.

To my passionate author:
You're on fire. It's inspiring and I love it. I've never seen your writing reach so close to the stars before. Don't ever give up on things like this. Your projects will always mean the world to me, and I'll do whatever I can to contribute and help you make them the best they can be.

To my sparkling singer:
I hope you never stop serenading the world with your silliest songs.

To my aspiring fashionista:
Soon, we are going to get you the most beautiful and flattering clothes you can ever imagine. And you won't lose a single piece of it on my watch.

To my girlfriend, fiancée, wife, everything inbetween and beyond:
It makes me feel good to know that our relationship is something I can count on. Thank you for always providing me with a constant or two or ten. I hope I can do the same, and that it helps you as much as it helps me.

To my moon:
Your reassurance has saved my life.

To my cuddly panda bear:
Nothing brings me to a clearer head than your touch.

To my sweetest honeybee:
I will never know a better friend than you.

To the biggest piece of my puzzle:
The amount of things you have patched up, filled in, and overall helped me with throughout our short time together is immeasurable. You really, truly have completed me. I would only be half of myself if it weren't for you.

To my partner:
Let's be like this and better, forever.

To my sunny California dreamer:
We're almost there.

My sweet Jackie and I both had a really upbeat day yesterday. It was completely unplanned and unintentional and I love it. I feel so connected to her in ths moment. I want to make a post about all of the thoughts flooding my mind right now, too!

OKAY, so. I just realized that my last post was only a month ago. It feels like at least six have passed since then... So much has changed. I last updated about Sarah with buying her a computer. Well, now she's moving here! Like, for good! To stay! In a little more than two months. I still can't believe it, even as I type this. Our lives are changing right before our eyes. Because of these changes, I want to make changes in my own life, too. Sometimes I'm erratic and messy and I want to move away from this and stabilize so that I can further help myself AND Sarah!

✿ ROUTINES!!! ✿
✿ Thursdays are now gonna be my room check-up days. Making sure my room is clean, like, floors, desk, everything. MAKING SURE MY CLOSET IS ORGANIZED. My dad always does my laundry for me and I never take the time to organize it how I like to! So I want to make sure I take my sleeping shirts out of my closet and put them in my drawer, keep long-sleeved shirts and sweaters on the right side of my closet... Things like that. This will make my life SO much either.
✿ Sundays are now money-managing days! Gathering any singles I accumulate during the week, making sure I'm on top of everything I need to save up for and all... I started a responsibility notebook and I refuse to stray away from keeping it updated with finances and all!
✿ I want to keep up riding my bike and playing with June on all my days off! It's been raining, so I've had to put this off for the sake of saving myself from weird germophobic fits. I know June is really gloomy right now because she has nowhere to run with the lawn being a lake and all. By the end of next month, she'll be ready for walks and it'll be so much easier for us both to get exercise! My thighs are getting really thick because I've been riding my bike and stuff. I'm so ready.

✿ Sela and I just agreed to start a tradition next year of going up to the mountains to play in the snow every New Year's Day!!! I love this. My dad, Joey and I used to do this every year but my dad stopped taking us a few years ago.
✿ I also need to stop spending money on superfluous things like junk food and all. I have too much to save up for right now! I keep saying I'll start getting serious about saving, and this time I want to mean it. I wanna keep track of everything I need to save up for and save/spend accordingly.
✿ I've been getting really good at stabilizing myself when it comes to stressful things! Finding outlets, helping the stress simmer directly, things like that. I want to get better and better at this!
✿ On school nights, I need to be in bed before midnight. There's no excuse for this. Sleeping at midnight gives me seven and a half hours to sleep, which STILL isn't enough! And it forces me into the habit of napping when I get home, which I don't care for at all.

❀ GENERAL THINGS!!! ❀
❀ I need, need, need, need, NEED an emergency inhaler, pronto. I had my first ever asthma attack the other night and it was downright petrifying. I've gotta work with my dad to make an appointment with my doctor.
❀ Something I need to commit a day to before Sarah moves is organizing the toy closet in the TV room. I started moving stuff from my closet in my bedroom into it, and I want to keep doing that so that I can have at least one shelf's space in my closet for Sarah's belongings when she moves here!
❀ I let a little bit of school slip through the cracks last week and I want to make sure this doesn't happen again! Especially when I only have two classes. Totally unnecessary.
❀ And on that note, I want to get better with time management. I've started talking to more people on the regular and I've been putting so much pressure on trying to make everyone around me happy, even though no one or no thing around me is contributing to that.

❀ STUFF FOR MY ROOM!!! ❀
❀ A SHELF ABOVE MY CLOSET. My dad and I are struggling to find a piece of wood long enough!
❀ I wanna paint each of my walls a different color if my dad's okay with it! If not, a soft, blue-seafoamy-tealy color would suffice.
❀ Better organization with my drawers!!!
❀ I need to get the two bins of storage stuff outta there.
❀ And put more stuff in those storage bins. I'm storing most of the Beanie Babies Jade gave me until I move out because I have.. absolutely.. NO ROOM! I need to purge. Having material possessions drives me nuts.
❀ Find some kind of replacement for my green chair. As cute as it is, is hurts me and everyone I love.
❀ I want to see what I can do about my hanging organizer for my Pokemon. It's a good, small-space, big-capacity storage piece, but.. idk. It's kinda broken and it hangs a little too low for the plastic drawers I now have? I'd love to find something similar that's a little smaller. This isn't too big of a priority, though.

I'm all over the place right now. I'm actually in class. I always seem to come to Dreamwidth when I have a lot of my mind and can't talk to anyone directly! I might come back to this later but I think I got most of my thoughts out.

I've been fighting a near unnatural amount of anxiety lately, considering my usual existence and level of anxiety. It's making my life really hard. I'm not sure why it's getting to me like this, but I do hope it goes away soon. I'm doing whatever I can to fend it off! I don't want to be sensory defensive or irritable or miserable or anything. I want to be as sunny as can be.

❀ NEW STUFF AS OF 2/25!!! ❀
❀ Use my camera more often!!! Like, my big one. Lug it around. Go hard. It's such a good camera and spent my entire Christmas budget on it a few years ago and I need to make use of it.
❀ Talk to friends more. I want to get closer to Shelby, see Gaby more often, text Veli all the time, things like this. Small exchanges go a long way and my friends deserve the best company I can give.
❀ Write more! Find more inspirations. Express myself thoroughly by any means possible.
❀ Play more video games! Expand my portfolio of gaming. I've explored new genres like Mega Man and Shovel Knight and stuff. I wanna break the mold and love Metroid and other games I've yet to try. I want to play every video game available to me in the universe. They are my most favorite thing.
❀ Sleep better and longer. Develop a better schedule. Because I am miserable and sleepy all the time and it's starting to take a toll on my life.
❀ Manage my anxieties more clearly in the future. Today was a big step forward for me and I want to move further and further in the direction of a healthy and happy mind.
❀ Crush sensory/time-related things that trigger trauma-based badness. I don't want to feel depressed every time spring comes.
❀ Always, always, always strive to communicate the best I can with my dear Sarah. This is important to both me and her. I don't think I've ever communicated with her badly, but I want to improve upon it for the rest of my life. I always want us to be honest, respectful, and happy.

I cannot believe how over the top this week has been. So so so much. After such a wonderful weekend of eating great food and watching Tarantino movies with my cousins, I was hoping for a wonderful week, too, you know? Well, I wake up on Tuesday morning for school and found out that my debit card number was stolen. :'-| Like, several-different-less-than-$10-charges-in-Kentucky-and-Texas stolen. It was caught by my bank immediately and it's all solved, everything is just fine and great! But man, was I keyed up that morning. I was so anxious and shakey and stressed. I went for a two-mile bike ride as opposed to my usual half-mile and played with June and was able to burn it off in that way, which I'm really grateful. I love my bike and I love my pup.

And speaking of pups, this weekend I got to meet a gorgeous husky puppy named Pixie!

She belongs to Joey's friend Rene, and she is just the sweetest thing. June is chill about 40% of the time and Pixie's chill goes up to about 80%... She is so cuddly and loving and she feels like a goddamn teddy bear. I can't wait to see her again. I bet she'll be twice that size!

After Tuesday's troubles I ended up 1) late after getting off the phone with the bank and 2) completely unable to buy a parking pass for school without my debit card, so I didn't go. It was nice to have an extra day off. One day of school this week and it makes things a little easier!

I've been having a lot of fun playing ACNL. I'm finding myself feeling super excited to play when I get home from class, which is something I haven't felt about ACNL in a very long time! When I visit Bearing today I'll get to meet Charlise and use my new, super convenient suspension bridge. I couldn't be more stoked. ;u;

I'm making a huge dent in my new file in Animal Parade, too! I believe I'm on Fall 10 of the first year, and I've already gotten a love confession from the girl I like *u* Soon I'll be going to get a Blue Feather and tying the knot! I'm also getting hearts up with a lot of the bachelors for the first time. I never really went too hard playing AP the first time I played it, but this time I want to unlock all the heart events for the bachelors so that my kids can play with their kids. Sarah and I have been exchanging information about AP and HM64 since I started playing AP and it's been a lot of fun. We both know so much about our respective games, and it's so interesting to learn about HM64 and teach about AP! Playing AP and having these conversations with Sarah have been my saving grace lately. It's helped me feel so nice and calm these past two weeks. ;u;

Speaking of Sarah, it's also been a crazy week because I BOUGHT HER A FUCKING COMPUTER. I'm so far ahead in saving up for the summertime that I offered to buy her one and we managed to discover the HP Stream. I'd seen a few commercials for it but wasn't particularly interested since I have my nice Envy laptop... but MAN, those are sleek ass computers. HP's trying to compete with the $199 Chromebooks floating around, and we benefit from an AMAZING deal! I got her the blue one on, like, Monday? and she ALREADY GOT IT IN THE MAIL. It shipped out from Memphis and was super quick!!! It works just like she needs it to and I couldn't be happier. I always end up feeling so accomplished and happy when I can buy her things like this or her Yoshi DS. She deserves electronics that work and nothing warms my heart more than being able to help her out! I've been trying to warm my dad up to the idea of me paying him off bit by bit each week to get a Chromebook for school since I don't want to push the wear-and-tear of commute on my Envy, and the one I had my eye on was $199 too... but.. MAN. Man. The Stream is so much nicer and has more space. I'm totally getting one whenever my dad's worn down. Sarah and I will match and it'll be the cutest fucking thing in the universe.

My class is about to start so I guess I should stop writing. My timing is perfect because I think that's all I have to ramble about today! I can't wait to go home and see what Bearing is up to. Sela and Daniel are sleeping over today before Daniel heads back to Korea and it's gonna be a lot of fun. Hopefully next week isn't so hectic! :-)

I decided I'd start my new town if I could guarantee myself some sort of new goal for it. With my old one, it was simply to make things look nice and relaxed and happy. I ended up getting majorly stressed out when it came to how things looked, especially with cohesiveness. So, my new goal for New Bearing is to not be stressed out by any of it!

I don't wanna care if someone moves into a less-than-perfect house spot. I don't wanna care that some trees get trampled on accident. I'll plant hybrid flowers and perfect trees in places where houses simply can't be! And I will do my very best to never, ever do the whole new resident to soft-load town trick. I want my town to be perfectly natural so that I can love it as is.

My villagers are great so far, and they're making me really happy.

Look at those colors!!! They're such a lovable bunch. Charlise's house plot was put down today and I got MEGA excited. She's one of my absolute favorites and I've always wanted her! :'-)

I feel really good about this new town. Along with my no-stress goal, I've decided to work on having only suspension bridges! I love the way they look. In my first town, I only ever had cobblestone. It went with the look I was going for, but with this one, I kind of want a.. like.. woodier appearance? And the suspension bridge design is just perfect for that. I just put my first PWP for one down and it's in the loveliest spot. Have I mentioned that I just adore my town map?

I put my first suspension bridge on the far left, where it dips in a little bit right next to the house above the river. The next one will be on the left side of the lake! It's gonna be great. I'm so excited to see this town flourish. It's already becoming my little pride and joy!

Here's to no stress!

I did it! I went for a bike ride about half an hour after I woke up this morning. It was pretty cold and I came home feeling out of breath but it felt really good to actually get up and do it! I don't really know how I got so out of shape when I've been moving at the same rate as always and climbing up and down two flights of stairs four days a week for the past four months or so... but, well, here I am. Every day it'll get easier and I am really excited about that prospect.

Taking my bike out of the shed and moving it to the front of the house is such a pain, though! I'm gonna talk to my dad about leaving it in the garage while I'm on this biking routine. He leaves my bike stacked underneath his and Joey's in the shed, so half of my workout is moving them all out and back in again. Having it in the garage would make it a lot easier for me to just get up and go!

I have absolutely zero plans today so I'm gonna kick back, enjoy my tidy bedroom, and play loads of Harvest Moon. Playing a routine-based game like Harvest Moon is so relaxing to me. I'm really excited to play Story of Seasons when it comes out in March, and Animal Parade is doing the trick for me while I wait!

Today's gonna be a good day. :-)

I am aiming for freshness everywhere I go! Starting with a brand new bubbling town in Animal Crossing. It's been a long time coming!

I miss Stitches, but I'll get him sooner or later! My goal for this new town is to not feel stressed out about anyone coming and going or moving in wherever they want to move in. I wanna be carefree! I love my villagers, too. Jeremiah, Wolfgang, and Soleil are all villagers I've loved since their starts, and Annalisa and Tabby are pretty great, too! :-)

Jeremiah's been a favorite for a long time. I don't think I've ever had him in any of my towns before! I also managed to build a perfect snowdaddy on my first try, and see some northern lights after I came back from visiting Joey's town.

I love ACNL so much. I think the mundanity of my completed town got the best of me after a while, so it'll be a lot of fun to start anew and see where I can go!

Today I did quite a few different things that I feel really proud of! Alongside starting up a new town in ACNL, I went for a bike ride around my neighborhood and rode until my thighs burned! Admittedly, it wasn't a very long bike ride, but it felt good to get the well-needed exercise. I also cleaned up my room and I feel just wonderful about that!!! I love having a neat space and I hate my inherent habit of tossing things around. Sometimes my extreme lack of energy gets to me and affects my life in that way... I wanna be better at making sure everything's organized and nice all the time! One thing I wanna start doing every day is making my bed, too. All my life I (and my whole family) have been the kind of person who shrugs at it and thinks, why make it when I'm just gonna get in it later anyway? But you know, it feels good to walk into my room and have my bed made! My sheets are crisp and unwrinkled and ready to be laid on.. it's nice. I'd like to have that every day when I get home from school!

Speaking of which!!! I started school. My two classe are really nice. My mind is already being challenged and I love it. The best part is that it's been challenged in a way that really, truly entertains me. Abnormal Psychology and Child Development are just the perfect classes to take for my major. My professors are both so experienced and well-spoken about their professions and lives, too! I've had my psychology professor twice before and I'm so excited to see her in her true element this semester. :-) It's so nice to have all the free time I have, too. I know that taking two classes isn't the smartest decision when it comes to pacing, but it makes me feel so much better emotionally. I think I'll be much better prepared for another full-time semester this coming fall.

Having all that free time gives me lots of time to play with my new puppy, too!!! I think the only people who read this already have me added elsewhere on the internet, so it isn't big news that I got a pup after Christmas! She's a chihuahua-poodle mix named June Bug. We call her June most of the time!

She's an absolute treasure. She's as smart as she is playful! She's about two months old now and we've had her for three weeks today. She's already grown and learned so much! We love to play fetch and run around and snuggle. I found a listing on Craigslist for her and her brother, priced at $40 each with no shots... The pictures were all dimly lit and blurry, but they looked so cute. I decided I'd go and meet them and see how I felt! I picked Joey up and off we went to the owners' house. They brought the pups outside and we held them both (Joey held her brother and I held her), and we had a hard time choosing. Her brother was black and white and was super pumped about existing and was all around really hyper.. she was the exact opposite. Totally chill, falling asleep in my arms. We brought her home right away. And she fits in with our family like a glove. We all love to play with her and she's been taking really well to our lessons about potty training and no-jumping-on-legs! Shorty likes her, too, but all she wants to do is play while all Shorts wants to do is sleep, so they get into little beefs sometimes. All in all, though, she's a solid A+. She's amazingly sweet and so clumsy and cute! Despite being a two month-old puppy, she's extremely well-behaved, too. I think it's because of how purely chill she is... We watched Kill Bill together and she was super into it. She is just perfect for me. I adore her.

Things are really cool right now. Life is moving slowly, but I like everything that's happening, so I can't complain! Every day is a blessing. I have wonderful family and friends and pets and hobbies and weather and everything I could possibly ask for. Everything is solid! I am starting new routines and writing more often and playing games I love and enjoying every second of it. I am a fresher, newer person.

LIFE!!! has thrown me a lot of, well, not even curve balls. Just balls. I feel like I've been pelted with about five thousand baseballs and I am just now, a week after my last day of school, am able to dig myself out of the pile and be a person again.

The last few weeks of school were absolutely brutal. Papers, projects, late homework assignments and every possible inconvenience inbetween. The quantity of it all wasn't as terrible as the actual weight of the few things I had to do! And you know what? I pulled out with two As and two Bs. I won. I did it. I overcame the most ridiculous, disgusting, debilitating semester I've ever put myself through in my entire academic career. I know that in hindsight I could have handled lots of things a lot better than I did, but I am always in a haze and very much lost from my better brain when I'm in school, so I think I managed pretty well! I got a B in stats. :'-) As far as I know, I'll never have to take another math class again! I think I mentioned this before, but I'm only taking two classes next semester for a much needed semester of self-focus and improvement. I feel like it's important to treasure my youthful freedom while I can, and two classes twice a week sounds like an absolute dream. I can see and feel just how much better I've become as a person in the small amount of time I've had these past four months, so I bet!! with all this time I'll have this coming semester!!! I'll be so much better! :-) I want to read books, play games, write stories, go for walks, and work my mind in ways that don't flow with an educational system, and help myself out in the best possible way. It's hard for me to keep my word on things like this when the time comes around, with my constant fatigue and low energy and all, but I wanna do my best anyhow. I think having less classes will help that out a lot! And I'm really excited. I genuinely look forward to having more time to myself. I love me.

I picked Tyler up from the train station this afternoon!!! He's gonna be staying here till Sunday morning and I'm so happy to have him here. I genuinely love his company. He got me a Yoshi PDP controller and a Super Nintendo for Christmas!!!

I couldn't ask for better gifts. The PDP controller plugs into a Wiimote rather than the console, so it's compatible with WAY more games than a regular GameCube controller would be!!! I can play it with the beautiful used copy of Kirby's Dream Collection I got!!! Did I mention I got that? With the manual and soundtrack and a beautiful, impeccable box?

It's the best! It has six N64-and-older Kirby games all in one super cute disc. It's only compatible with the Wii Remote being held sideways, which is just awful. This is where the PDP controller comes in!!! It's so well-designed! The colors are stunning and the controls feel light and fluffy and the C-stick was made bigger for an easier grip! I'm so emotional over things like this. I'm glad that the gaming industry recognizes how amazing the GameCube controller was!

And the Super Nintendo...!!! I couldn't believe it when I saw it. I'm thinking about painting it since it's one of those Super Nintendos that got mega yellow over time! It's in great shape, though, so I'm worried about ruining it with paint. No matter what I do, I'm so excited to have it! The Super Nintendo's always been one of my most favorite consoles and I've NEVER owned one. Super Mario World is my ultimate SNES title, and I immediately bought a copy of Mario Paint to go along with it so I'm PUMPED. I'm gonna relive my whole little childhood playing SNES at others' houses... in my own house!!! With my own SNES!!! I now officially own all of the Nintendo home consoles!!! Tyler always gets me the coolest gaming gifts!!!

I am really so tired. My body is tired but I feel like the stress is slowly seeping out of my skin and into the heavens where it all belongs. A week ago there was so much tension in my entire body that I could barely move beyond what was necessary! It's nice to be able to literally feel the tension leaving now. This winter break is shaping up to be just great. Christmas is looking great. I will need to touch on Christmas another time, when it's not 2:16 in the morning and I am not dead ass tired. I haven't been up a super long time but I definitely have been doing enough to knock me out! It's been a long day!

Everything is good! Stress levels are stable, I got my prescription refilled after not having medication for over a month, I have all these great video games to play, everything is good. In particular, everything is stable. I wish things could be this stable more often!

Sarah, Seth, Dillon and I have gotten to a point where we are a cohesive, beautiful, delicious ice cream cone, and I love all of them so much.

Last weekend was genuinely one of the worst few days and nights of my life! I was scared for my safety and my overall well-being and I wasn't able to sleep. I can't recall the last time I felt so terribly bad.

So, you know, like always, I am texting Sarah venting out my stress and trying to see what I can do to shake off the badness until everything bad went away. Sarah was at Seth's with him and Dillon, and she rounded them up, told them what was going on, and the three of them actually sat down and spent some time with me when I was feeling my absolute worst. We talked about Flight Rising and video games and spent a few hours just chilling. They all gathered around her computer and talked with me on Skype until everyone went to sleep. It really helped me feel so much better.

Maybe it's a little silly, but it meant so much to me that Sarah and Seth and Dillon did that for me. When Sarah called me on Skype, she knew exactly how to talk to me and what to talk about. Her tone told me she was happy to talk to me and appreciated my presence! And Seth and Dillon were so happy to talk to me about things we all like! I felt loved and like I could actually manage to pull myself out of the uncontrollably bad circumstances I was in. Somehow, in some way, Sarah (and everyone else) knew exactly what I needed. It makes me feel like I really can count on her for anything. When I think about how much they helped me, I feel happy and almost invincible. Seth and Dillon are true, blue friends of mine. Sarah is the best girlfriend I could possibly ask for. I have never gotten such a quick patch-up to severely bad feelings like I did last weekend. They all make me feel wonderful and I am so grateful for the three of them. We get along like clockwork, and it makes me so happy. I will love the three of them for as long as I live!

I did it. I wrote the 3,000 word comparitive mythology paper. It is done, it is turned in, I have eaten nothing but three mini Snickers bars today, and I am exhausted.

Above all else, I am zen. I am happy.

I need to relax and I'm itching to write a bunch of words so here I am.

This summer is turning out to look better and better every day. Tyler, Sarah and I have been planning to go to Fanime together for months now, and now that it's getting closer and closer, I'm starting to feel really excited about it. We've expanded the Fanime trip into something that's, like, a week long. We're gonna go to Oregon afterwards. Like, Sarah and I will basically be tagging along when Tyler heads back home. I'll be able to see his family for the first time in years, meet Hannah (his girlfriend), and most of all, enjoy a trip with my two favorite people in the world. I've never been farther north than San Francisco before! And I've never actually taken my own personal trip out of state. The only two times I've ever traveled out of state were to Phoenix and Vegas and it was for like.. business trips with my dad when I was around six years old. I think the best part is that this is something I'm gonna do with Sarah. In the moment it's kind of hard to keep my feelings afloat about not seeing her next month, but being able to plan and arrange a trip like this in May is gonna be a lot of fun. When I think about it, I feel less stressed out than ever. I can't explain in words how stressed out I am all the time. It's impossible to imagine my life without stress. I'm working on it, though.

This winter is going to be a lot of fun, too. Tyler's buying his train ticket soon, I think. Right after my finals are done, I'll get to be with Tyler and that's so great. I actually just checked my schedules and my last day of school for this semester is December 10th! What a happy day. Four more weeks after today, and that'll be it. It'll work and it'll be okay, and that's something I can look forward to and be happy with. Tyler and I are gonna spend an entire week playing video games and spending time together like we used to when we were kids. I'm gonna show him Deli Delicious and introduce him to the grand Wii U experience and have the best time in the world. I'm really excited for this. It'll be nice to hang out with someone who is so replenishing to me!

I mentioned this already, but I'm only taking two classes next semester. Six credits instead of twelve. I don't feel fantastically proud of myself about this, but the full-time schedule I was slated for was requiring me to be on campus for over six hours five days a week.. and just the idea of that was giving me so much stress and anxiety. I couldn't do it. And I'm having a terrible time with my current full-time, core-class semester. My time in community college is coming to an end, and it's getting harder and harder to match up the classes I have left to take into a cohesive schedule. My mental health is important and this is just sometihng I have to do! I'll be happier this way. I'll have more time to myself and I'll be able to stay on top of my classes. Luckily, the two classes I'm signed up for are Abnormal Psychology and Child Development, which can both contribute toward my major! So my mind will be occupied lots. As I go further in school I feel more and more comfortable with myself and my future. I'm so excited for Sarah to graduate and be ready to come and live here. Even if I'm in school, I think at that point my functionality as a person will be high enough for me to get a job and be great at everything I do.

Things are looking up!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately! About myself! Which isn't something I do very often. I'd like to make a habit out of it, though, because I think it'll get me to improve much quicker than I do right now.

Above all else, this week I've been busy revisiting childhood trauma that I don't come face-to-face with very often. I didn't even realize it was happening until a few minutes before it stopped. It's a very weird feeling and trauma is a very weird thing. I am better now. With Sarah's help, I found a solution to the problem and it's just one thing of many that I've been able to take care of when it comes to myself. Needless to say, I'm proud!

And that whole thing made me realize something important that I hadn't realized before. Lots of invisible discoveries lately! And this starts back when I was in high school. Around my junior or senior year, out of what felt like nowhere, I began dissociating. Constantly. I'd wake up dissociated and go to sleep dissociated and never felt like myself inbetween. Sarah and I coined this feeling as having a "swimmy head" a long time ago, because she feels it too. She was the first person to understand what I meant when I said I felt like I was light-headed, but only mentally. I still don't think anyone else completely understands the feeling except her. So, basically, the past four or five years of my life have been dictated by dissociation and feeling connected to absolutely nothing. It became so normal to me that I just accepted it as someone I was and something that happened to me. I constantly felt like I was floating, my feet were never on the ground, I never knew who I was and I could never truly understand anyone or anything around me.

But here's the thing: somehow, right under my nose, these past few months, that has completely gone away. I've been trying to recall the last time I could register being dissociated from anything at all, and I actually can't! It's weirdly liberating. It probably would have been a lot more refreshing to feel this as it happened, but I guess I got so used to it happening that I didn't notice it.. well.. not happening. So this is all really good and I feel good! I'm not sure why it worked out like this, especially at this time because I feel really run down by school and all, but.. I dunno! I'm glad. It feels nice to feel like I actually have my feet on the ground. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have a solid and positive self-concept and a genuine grasp on who I am. I actually feel like I have the capacity to like.. improve, as a person, because now I know where and who I am and I can actually register what needs to be fixed. I really like being a person!!!

I registered for classes at midnight last night, and I only signed up for two. Two classes from 9:30 to noon on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This semester completely and thoroughly has me beat, and I need some time to myself to rebuild. I haven't told my dad, and I don't plan on it. I don't think he'd understand, even though I'm an adult and he doesn't have to understand my decisions in order to respect them. Things with him are always kind of on thin ice because of this, but I'm okay with that. He's stubborn and I've conditioned myself to live a comfortable life with him, even if it means hiding things from him. (╯_╰) It's better for both of us this way.

I'm very tired and I have a lot to do this weekend. I made a ton of bad choices with schoolwork lately and it's piling on top of me like no other. A 3,000-word paper that's due Monday is sitting on my shoulders and I'm a little scared of it, but I think I'll be okay. It's Joey's birthday today and I think my cousins are coming over to celebrate tomorrow? Or something. I'm excited. I've really come to appreciate Joey as my brother and as my friend. He's becoming a good person, slowly, and it's been really crazy watching him grow. Sharing my life with him has been a blast and I want this weekend to be happy and a huge celebration on top of my work!

Did I mention I'm tired? At this point I feel like it's all I can think about. I can't wait to come home and sleep later.

I looked great today.

And so does my phone!

While my professor was reviewing old problems in Stats, I goofed around on Line Deco and ended up getting a whole Halloween ensemble going. I'm really happy with it! :'-)

On that note, I got really lucky with Stats this week! I'd gone home early on Tuesday because I wasn't feeling well and let my professor know in person that I was leaving before I did. He'd told me to e-mail him because he was giving the class a quiz, and I'd need to make it up before today's class. So, I e-mail him last night for the quiz, and as it turns out, he pushed it back to today! I don't know if he had me in mind or if the class just went by too quick, but I was very grateful.

Today, I woke up, relaxed, studied, went to school, and now I'm home, taking it easy. I had an exam in Psychology on top of the Stats quiz; the former went well and the latter went okay! I couldn't be happier with how the day turned out. The pacing was great, I remembered to take my medications, and stay on top of everything that needed my attention. And I got to see Jose for a bit before my class started! He's such a cute and sweet little joy to have around, even when it's only for five minutes.

Tomorrow morning I'll be picking up my copy of Fantasy Life and giving it a whirl over the weekend!

It looks like a fantastic game! *_* After discussing it with Katrina for a million years it was a must-buy. I can't wait to play with her and Ash and any of my other friends who get it!

I'm getting way sleepy as I write all this. It's time to watch some episodes of Avatar and snooze away!

I'm off to a good start with these entries!!! I know they'll get more infrequent as time goes on but I'm having a bunch of fun with this right now. What a time!

Today was a bit of a treat myself day after what a terrible night I had last night. My body has very prolonged, violent reactions to bad feelings and I've been feeling sick all day. So I bought this Halloween nugget. :'-) I decided at the last minute that I wanna decorate my room a bit for the season, and I've been smitten with this pretty little since I saw her!

I also scrounged up some money and got myself a sandwich from Deli Delicious after my classes. My Geography class lasted FOREVER today and tons of students left toward the last quarter of class and those of us who stayed until dismissal got EXTRA PARTICIPATION POINTS!!! Which is great because I missed the last week and a half of classes. (￣ρ￣)|||
ANYWAY, the sandwich. Roast beef, jack cheese, and mushrooms with everything on it except mustard! :'-D Deli Delicious is always perfect to the point where every bite is a religious experience. It cheered me up bunches!

I've been talking to Tyler all afternoon and I can't wait to take him to get a beautiful heavenly work of art sandwich. We're having a good talk about a bunch of video games and it's really nice. My Sarah's working way too hard tonight and I wish there was something I could do to help, and I hope keeping her company is doing the trick. Today was definitely a day. And it's still a day! Soon it'll be time for bed and it'll be all good.

Some choice pictures from my phone! :-) Having a phone with a good camera is a great thing. I'm gonna miss her so much this winter.

Hi!

I had a hard time staying asleep this morning. I don't know when I went to bed, but it surely wasn't early enough for me to be as wide awake as I am right now. I'm worried about how I'll hold over for the rest of the day.

I want to start journaling like this more! I wish I could actually do it in a cute notebook with my nice pens, but my wrists are too weak to handwrite more than I actually need to. Here will do and I'll make everything cute as a button.

Last night I made the incredibly difficult decision of not seeing Sarah this winter. This will be the first time in almost three years we haven't seen each other during a vacation. Seeing her is the one, solid thing that keeps me pushing forward through school and stress, and making the decision to shoot that down devastated me. But it was the most financially responsible decision in every way, and it had to be made. I'm an adult and sometimes I have to forgo things I want and need if it means being a happier, healthier, and better person! And I have to keep that in mind right now, because this is one of those times. I called Tyler amidst my overwhelming sadness and we ended up arranging for him to take the Amtrak down here for a week in December. So, at the very least, I have something to look forward to. I see him even less often than I see Sarah despite him just living eight hours away. He hasn't been to my house in centuries, and I'm excited. He said he'll bring "Christmas gifts and the ultimate care package" and it means the world to me. He always knows exactly how to respond to my sadness. And the best part is that it only costs about $70. To someone like me who pays $500 biannnually for trips, that's chump change! And it's awesome. I'm excited to see him. And I'm excited to be making this difficult but good decision about seeing Sarah. We'll have much more money and wiggle room in the summer now. One thing that really cheered me up last night is that we talked about things we could do when she's here in the summer. It's gonna be great and things are gonna be just fine.

After this weekend, I think the rest of my semester is gonna be smooth sailing. I'm excited. I have a paper to write this weekend and I'm hoping to section it off into 1,000 words per day on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I can stretch it off into Monday, and even Tuesday if I need to as well, so it'll work out great! I ended up getting really sick last week, which was the week I was planning on doing this paper, and I ended up pushing it aside for the sake of recovering. But, of course, I'm still stick now, so what difference does it make? (´ー｀) I'm really looking forward to getting this done. The due date for this paper was pushed back!!! :'''-) I'm so glad. Now I can relax and play Fantasy Life this weekend without a care in the world. I love being able to feel the weight lift from my shoulders. This semester has been killing me, and next semester is, hopefully, gonna be a lot more relaxed than this one. I think I'm gonna aim for a smaller schedule. A full-time schedule of nothing but core classes was a mistake for me.

I'm talking to Katrina and I think I'm going to get Fantasy Life on Friday. Less stress trip-wise means more wiggle room money-wise and I was really looking forward to its launch! It looks like a great game. She's telling me about it now and I don't think I can resist it.

And I guess one more thing? I need to start eating more. Once a day isn't cutting it. I'm gonna eat now and try to eat again later today. Even just two meals is better than one.

Hi!

Megan

Megan

MAIN

BIG AND STRONG

Little me and big me are ready for summer

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An open letter to every little bit of the one I love most

Life changes!

The craziest week

Goals for New Bearing

!!!

Freshness!

Post-worst semester ever update

I want to talk about last weekend and how important it is to me

I did it

Less introspect and more smiles

Me! Me. I'm me

All sorts of good looks

Today was a day!

♡ Summer 2014 with Sarah Image Dump! ♡

I am a terribly jumbled up writer and I'm okay with that

Hi!